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The Waking
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I cannot go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree, but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
--Theodore Roethke
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Joy's Updates - Straight from the Horse's Mouth.
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Friday, November 29, 2002
Energy
Someday I'll have energy again - I know I will. I've just wanted to sleep today and have eaten no turkey, so it's not tryptophan. I got enough sleep last night, so it's not that. I've been told it takes a long time for energy to return after chemo, and a large IV bag of Rituxan is still in my system. Dr. Spigel said Rituxan doesn't reach its peak for a few weeks, so I guess that's it. That, and all the rest of this ordeal - fast-acting chemo, sepsis, surgery, bandaging that still continues, healing, healing, and healing. OK, I'm impatient. For quite a while now I've been ready to have this over with and get on with feeling good. Yet when Brenda told me my next appointment is January 6, I was surprised and anticipated feeling withdrawal from not going there regularly. Odd, isn't it? All this has been the focus of my life now for six months, however, so it will be a change - a welcome one and an adjustment, too. It's been exhausting physically and emotionally. Well, it still is, I suppose, but I want that to stop now, so I have energy and make more progress feeling better. Maybe I should relax and realize it takes time. (sigh) I don't have much patience with not feeling good and haven't felt that great for many years now. What I hope is that the extreme response to chemo killed all the cancer and that I can get on without it from now on.
All that said, this is a relaxing day. I'm making chili again and cooking a turkey breast since I gave Brian and Melissa what was left from the turkey yesterday. I got one for that reason and will have turkey sandwiches and a casserole. Hope all of you are having a good day. Do any of you brave the shopping crowds?
12:51:00 PM
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