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The Waking
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I cannot go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree, but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
--Theodore Roethke
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Joy's Updates - Straight from the Horse's Mouth.
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Friday, January 10, 2003
Fear and Safety
I want to recommend a blog I read that has a poignant, well-written post in it today. I don't know her but found the blog from the Blogger homepage when I sign in to write this one. The title of it caught my attention, and I've been reading it ever since. Her name is Julia, and she lives and works in Washington, DC. That's where I got the information about the Trent Lotté: separate – but equal – parts of black coffee and steamed milk. I'd have thought they would have been in separate cups with one significantly behind the other so no mixing would take place, but it's a funny addition to the menu - especially in DC. Here is the link. Let me know what you think. tequilamockingbird
Her post today made me think about when I was in school and how oblivious I was about so much. My mind was out in the ozone most of the time. I suppose I was a "have" in our little pond even though I didn't really think so. I've heard from others later on that they thought I was. I knew I was a "have" when it came to feeling loved and taken care of, but money has never been at the top of my list when it came to what I value. If so, I'd have more of it, I guess. I think those of us who grew up in the middle of the middle class and had enough to eat and clothes to wear and what we needed don't have a lot to get over which makes us more complacent. People who struggled and went without never seem to feel as if they have enough. I can understand that and know why they have to have security of some kind to feel safe.
Security and safety are relative terms, aren't they? I remember how scared I was when I first heard my diagnosis over six years ago. I didn't feel safe and knew I was vulnerable. I lived with it in the back of my mind and hoped it was gone. Then when it changed and I had to have chemo, my fears were realized. I still thought I'd survive it and might feel bad from the chemo for a while but would make it. Then when I had the infection and sepsis and was lying there on the couch writing letters to those I love in my mind since I couldn't write them with my hand, I felt at peace about dying but worried about Mother the most. How tragic to outlive your children. I was concerned about my own children and grandchildren and didn't want to miss spending more time with them. It made me wish I had things in order, so they could divide things more easily and take care of arrangements. There were many things that went through my mind. I had lots of time to think since I didn't sleep but one to three hours a day. I couldn't think too well during Labor Day week but felt as if I was sort of in and out of awareness. I was probably the most scared the Sunday after surgery when I realized how close I really came to dying and kept thinking about the "what-if's" and "might-have-beens." Then I finally cried for myself. I don't do that much at all and needed to.
I don't have the same fear that I did before all this happened. I'm glad I'm here and that it wasn't my time to go. I'm glad I'll get to meet Brendan and see him grow and to be with Kelsey, Kari, and Luke much more. Daddy died of leukemia when I was a little younger than Brian is, and I know how it is to still miss him. This isn't a patten I wanted to see happen. What cruel irony for Kathy to have found me and then for me to die. For many reasons, I'm really happy to still be here! I definitely value my friends, family, and others who are close.
I'm not sure but don't believe I'll have the same fearful cloud now. I experienced a rite of passage to get rid of the cancer. I faced death and lived. We're all the heroes of our own lives, and this followed the hero's journey. I'm returning home with the reward. As you remember, students, this journey is internal but played out in outer experiences, so now the emotional healing must begin.
1:37:00 PM
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