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The Waking
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I cannot go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree, but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
--Theodore Roethke
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Joy's Updates - Straight from the Horse's Mouth.
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Sunday, June 13, 2004
More than an Adjective
I mistakenly wrote that Janey was an Aussie expatriate, which would require mind reading to understand what I meant. She cleared things up, and I appreciate it. She is in fact an American expatriate who has lived in Australia for around 15 years. Gosh, has it been that long? I plan to visit her in a few years and am looking forward to it so much. It was so good to see Janey when she was here last time and to enjoy our conversations. She's such a neat person and wonderful friend - brilliant, clever, warm, pretty, insightful, and so much more.
I didn't attend the Cancer Relay for Life Friday night but participated last year since I was still in the midst of it all. It's necessary for me to take a break from cancer and deal with the emotional side-effects that have set in. I just wasn't able to go to the relay and felt anxious and scared just thinking about it. Right now I don't want to be identified with things I've survived but to live my life and try to get on with it. I haven't been doing that very well as my mouse finger will testify. Escape is where I've been - playing Spider Solitaire and online jigsaw puzzles while watching TV - it could have been worse except for being sedentary and eating chocolate. When going through something traumatic, most of us do what we have to do in order to get through it. It's later on that it is harder to handle and similar to surviving a car wreck that was almost fatal. So many what-if's and might-have-beens and memories. Post-traumatic stress is probably usual with all this. Almost dying from sepsis affects me the most, but all of it was horrific.
I've been taking anti-anxiety medication (Lexapro - an SSRI - also for depression) for a couple of months. It took a while to get it regulated since I'm a mine canary for meds. At first it made me sleep too much and feel sort of zoned out. I kept cutting the pills in half a few times until I'm now taking a dosage that works and lets me stay awake. I don't plan to keep taking this but will for a while since I needed some help. I was sticking to the diet Dr. Ross had me on which lowered my triglycerides even through Christmas but flipped out during the Rituxan treatments in January and February. Even though I realized intellectually that it was maintenance treatment, sitting in the chemo room with an IV for four hours made me scream in my mind, "I'm going to die!!!" Comfort food and escape it was! I told Dr. Ross that I felt scared all the time and almost cried when I explained all this to him. He said he knew I didn't like to take medication unless I really needed to but that he thought I'd have benefitted from this some time ago. So I'm taking it and am making progress.
The kind of PTSD I have is mostly avoidance emotionally. I don't want any more drama in my life or to get too far from home and school for too long. My emotions are exhausted, and I feel lost. I probably do best at school since it's structured, and discussing literature and writing is familiar and comfortable. That's another reason I decided to work there this summer.
It's going to take time to heal, and I'm making progress. Thanks to all of you for your part in it. :-)
11:45:00 AM
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