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Ramblings from a Southern liberal, Boomer, single parent, grandmother, reunited birthmother, cancer survivor, pop-culture observer, retired teacher

Most dramatic lymphoma posts are from June 2002 - February 2003 archives.

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The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I cannot go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree, but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

--Theodore Roethke


Joy's Updates - Straight from the Horse's Mouth.
Monday, June 02, 2008  
Larry Wilson and Caroline Thompson

I just love Larry Wilson! Look at him. Isn't he adorable? He's also talented, creative, funny, and totally insecure! He almost makes Richard Lewis look confidant, except Lewis is annoying. Larry keeps asking if we are enjoying his instruction/presentation, if he's doing a good job, and if we're interested in what he says. Yes, Larry, we are. You're wonderful!

He and Caroline Thompson, who have been writing partners and are good friends, were together for the group discussions. The panelists moved around from group to group. Caroline is amazing and has collaborated with Tim Burton for some fantastic movies, such as Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Corpse Bride. I like the way her mind works.

Once again, any of you who are interested in making videos for the internet, please go to Small & Creepy Films, sign up for the newsletter, read what is on the site, and get involved! If you know someone who would be interested in this, pass the information along to them, please and thank you. :-)

After the group conversation, I gave Larry a note saying, "I'm not going to enable your insecurity. HOWEVER, I did write wonderful things about you on my blog. Your workshop was great!" (or something like that) At the very end, the panelists were sitting together on the stage, I noticed he was holding that note in both hands. He nudged Caroline and indicated it was about him. She and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes and smiled. As we were leaving, I told him I couldn't believe he was carrying that around. He said he was going to put it in his scrapbook. I laughed, and he said he really was. I thought, "Oh no! This is a first draft! I need to rewrite!"

I told you that in the workshop Larry Wilson conducted on writing horror, he asked us to write about our greatest fear. He encouraged us to go past physical things and describe emotional fears and included some possibilities - fear of abandonment, economic failure, unbearable depression. Been there, done those already along with divorce, deaths of close relatives, cancer, losing a child to adoption by Baptist Republicans, reuniting with my daughter and being afraid she'd hate me, almost dying, and hundreds of dating accidents. So I thought about how I'd already been through all those and survived and have been so scared at my core for over the last five years. Maybe I'm afraid of what's left. So many shoes have fallen, that's it's not like waiting for the other shoe to drop but wondering how many more shoes there are. What's next?

That workshop turned out to be good therapy for me because I'd never really thought about the specifics so much. Sure, my irrational fears are of those trenches in the ocean, especially the Marianas Trench since it's the deepest, but as long as I stay away from Guam, that should be OK. I also believe that my car will blow up if I drive over a cigaretter thrown out of the car in front of me. So far, so good with no explosions. Because I watch so many crime shows, being kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer does enter my mind enough to hope they put me in the trunk while I'm conscious and can kick out the tail light. I'd really like to avoid that one because senseless deaths are so hard on families and friends.

But probably a fear that puts me in despair is the one about a group of wealthy, powerful people who control the world and manipulate all of us for their gain. Mostly they pay no attention to us because we are pawns and don't matter except for however we can benefit their plans. This has been the subject of novels such as The DaVinci Code, 1984, Brave New World, and other conspiracy theory works, but mostly I get flashes of it intuitively. It's as if a moment of clarity makes me realize how things really are. When I think about this, I feel useless, pointless, and hopeless. So I have to make myself believe that it's not like that and that we really are in control of our lives and have a purpose and meaning.

What fears do you have? What have you survived?

4:02:00 PM

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