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The Waking
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I cannot go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree, but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
--Theodore Roethke
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Joy's Updates - Straight from the Horse's Mouth.
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Wednesday, June 18, 2003
AWOL
Thank you, Margot, for asking about my posts and missing me. I've been distracted by shiny objects lately. I went to Creek Wood Monday to see my classroom, get my schedule and books, and tour the school. It's a pretty school - new and roomy. There are going to be 34 students in my ONE honors English class, which defeats the purpose. This is because of the budget cuts and trying to manage schools on less than a shoestring. You might remember that we had a balanced budget and surplus in this country and now have the largest deficit in history. Our economy was better and domestic programs were still functioning when my President was in office, and he did it with his pants unzipped. He could multi-task. This one has bankrupted everything he's been involved with (his businesses his daddy bought him and Texas) and is now ruining our economy. I won't even get started on all the other horrible things he's done in the name of Christianity that go against what I was taught it stood for.
There are no bookcases in the classrooms there. That steeple could have been left off and paid for bookcases or a teacher's salary. I've never taught in a classroom without bookcases before - not a regular classroom anyway. When I was teaching with the gifted program, I taught everywhere when I was itinerant and would be in closets, on stages, in conference rooms, and other teachers' classrooms. It was a relief when we had the students bused to us at Burns - even with the bats when we were in the converted cafeteria. Yes, bats! We had to call maintenance to come remove them from the building. One had attached itself to the ceiling right above my desk. What a creepy way to start the day! I'm sure the lack of bookcases has to do with the budget again. They had to make cuts wherever they could. I can take my own bookcases there but can't reduce the sizes of my classes. We're all having larger classes across the country after working so hard to reduce them. It really does make a difference. It's getting harder and harder to teach.
I was tired after being there and walking up and down stairs and carrying books. It's going to be exhausting teaching a whole day and dealing with the stress. Dr. Spigel asked me how I was doing yesterday before my treatment. I told him I get out of breath and feel as if my heart is beating too rapidly. Part of this is the Rituxan and part is inactivity and thyroid. We discussed my progress and how I'm doing, and he suggested that I might need to be on disability. He's concerned about the cancer/stress factor and how it might affect the progress I'm making. Teaching is stressful no matter how ideal the conditions. My cousin asked if I could tell my students what I've been through and to take up some of the slack. That would work with some of them, but there are others who see that as a sign of weakness and go in for the kill. We're not dealing with a group of mature, reasonable people here. Some of them are right out of Lord of the Flies! Also there are things no one can do for us. I'm checking into disability but don't know if it could happen. I wish it could. I also wish I could win that house. Dr. Spigel smiled cynically when I told him and said, "That's money in the bank." It's my fantasy, and I realize that, but I need a good fantasy right now.
By the time I would hear from disability, I could be homeless. Not having an income would be more stressful than teaching. So I guess I'd better do my best and get back to it. I'm glad for those 2-week vacations in October and March and the 3 weeks at Christmas with the year-round schedule. I'll need them!
Treatment went well yesterday. The Benadryl made me sleep through most of it, and I feel a little dizzy and foggy today. It was the last one of Round Two!! There will be another round of four in six months and then the last round a year from now. I really do wish I could have this next year to heal and get some energy back and recuperate. People go to work feeling worse than I do though and manage to make it. I just don't want to experience another year like this last one!
8:40:00 AM
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