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Ramblings from a Southern liberal, Boomer, single parent, grandmother, reunited birthmother, cancer survivor, pop-culture observer, retired teacher

Most dramatic lymphoma posts are from June 2002 - February 2003 archives.

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The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I cannot go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree, but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

--Theodore Roethke


Joy's Updates - Straight from the Horse's Mouth.
Saturday, February 11, 2006  
Yo-Yo Pins & Needles

Columbo went back to the vet's yesterday for more subcutaneous fluids and catheterization. Mark the vet called this morning to tell me that he'd managed to pull the catheter out even with that collar on. The E-collar is like a cone around his neck. They're watching him to see if his bladder will work or not. There might be more blockage. I have questions and decisions and more stress and lumps in my throat and tears. It's so hard. More later.

Later ... 3:30 PM

When I went to the vet clinic today, Columbo looked deceptively healthy and alert. Mark said his BUN and Creatinine levels were higher yesterday than they were when I first brought him in, though. The antibiotics and cortisone probably make him seem better than he is. Columbo talked to me and put his paws on my shoulder so I'd hold him. The cage was high enough that when I opened it, he was at arm level. Mark came in about that time while I was picking him up. When I turned to look at him, I noticed that he had tears in his eyes. I appreciated his compassion and smile. I told him I wanted to be sure I was doing what was best for Columbo instead of me because I'd like to be able to take him home and have him be healthy again; however, I want him to have quality of life. Mark said that when he pressed on Columbo's bladder, urine was expressed from the catheter which means that there isn't blockage. Also there were no crystals or stones when he was catheterized. So this sounds as if his bladder isn't contracting which means nothing will work. The cortisone should help with inflammation if that's caused no urination. The opening is really small with folds of skin around it, too.

It doesn't sound good at all. I have to decide between this horrific surgery Perineal Urethrostomy or euthanasia. If I knew the surgery would correct this, I'd put him through the pain and scary recovery from it. However, I think it's his bladder and that the surgery would prolong the inevitable. I have a lot of thinking and praying and crying to do this weekend. Mark said after he saw Columbo with me, he leaned toward the surgery. I did, too, until I read more about it and talked with friends. Now I'm not sure it would help. Whew! I'm wishing for a miracle that makes his bladder work.

9:52:00 AM

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